Archive | March, 2009

it eludes me

31 Mar

Very often, my friend will question my couldnt care less attitude when it comes to returning phone calls.

What if one day, i never pick up any calls?

And, you then wonder; she will never change, will she? Never appreciates her friends. You couldnt take it anymore and calls her house, despite your fear of her tiger-fierce mum.

“She has just left us,” her brother whispered into the receiver and the message took a milisecond to reach your ear. As the message is transmitted to your brain, your pupils dilate and you fall back into your chair.

This just crossed my mind a few days back and it is a creation for the purpose of blogging.

I hope that this will remind us all of death, myself included.

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Alas, it is over!

31 Mar

Life is all about chances and luck, is it? I wonder, dont i always?

The past 2 weeks of burying my head in the thick volumes of crazy SAP notes has paid off! Alamdulilah is all i can say. The business students among us scored lowest when compared to our IT and Engineering couterparts, perhaps the consequence of our slackish attitude, what with bejewelled, pet society and fb.

Internet is my enemy for now

28 Mar

Give me internet and food; all i need to survive 13 hours.

There is no problem except of course i have a HUGE exam on tuesday and a really costly one but im not being serious enough despite my brain telling me to continue studying, im not! Argh!

I realised all i did between 1.30 to 6.30 was study a little and ate 3 times. See how much of my time is spent on eating and now there is another packet of food, rezeki murah… Alhamdulilah.

‘the experience’

28 Mar

I have no extraordinary flair for writing but i enjoy it! Reminded me of the ‘good times’ in Junior College. It wasn’t all that bad actually, the 2 years i spent there, General Paper was the subject i enjoyed the most. Despite hating it at first because i couldnt grasp the ‘concept’ but over time…it’ll develop and i managed.

After much contemplation, i decided to GO. I really liked the way it was conducted. The location scored this place points but just like many, still uncomfortable with the idea of this ‘weird’ institution when compared to the more normal ones which have gained world wide recognition.

There is no gurantee though as to whether the results of yesterday’s presence of a place in that institution. It is of course better to leave it to ONE who knows more.

So is GREED good? This amongst other contemporary issues were discussed in the second segment of yesterday’s event. Despite much exposure and experience, i will never change to be someone more vocal. Writing would be my choice of expressing my thoughts over speaking anytime.

Last segment following the ‘interrogation’ was another form of expression of ideas via writing. Given a choice of discussing the injustice in the world or the 2 sides of a coin with regards to group identity, i chose the latter which seem much easier to deal with.

The world is a big, scary place! Too much is being done is some and nothing is being done in the remaining parts.

reminders

21 Mar

We need these reminders time and again in our busy lives to bring us back to reality. The life of this world is but comfort of illusion.

Keimanan seorang ada turun naiknya, berushalah dengan melakukan sesuatu untuk tingkatkan on a regular basis. ( wonder why i swopped to malay, i have no idea)

I deserve an explaination!

21 Mar

I have not come to terms with what she has done to me because i dont know the reason. Her brief apology deserve a sweet reply agreeing to put it behind us. But my ability to do that is close to none. The obstacle seems to be the answer to the big WHY.

Perhaps it is God giving me a taste of my own medicine, for i just realise the resemblance to what i did to someone. It is bitter, yucks! But really the grounds for what i did were highly acceptable for my standards. The answer to WHY was not given to that person,T, because of T’s reaction.

T wouldnt let the matter rest! Insyallah T would come to terms with it, or perhaps have already reached understanding by now. In my case, T knew what T has done yet remain in the illusion that the impact of his actions was nil, nonexistent! That is enough of a certification of confirmation that i made the correct decision. 

Let time heal all wounds and leave all matters in Allah’s hands.

For we are only planners of this life but HE is the decider of fate.

what is deterring us?

17 Mar

Time.

My friend said it is everyones’ enemy.

Perhaps we are our own enemy.

Freedom. Some yearn for it.

With all the freedom in the world, what are we going to do with it? One who haven’t tasted it might feel that the world is endless and opprtunities are wide. But…restrictions from elsewhere makes us stop.

There is only so far we can go with courage, one will need much much more.

I’ve lost sight of the aim of this post, which was why am i thinking too much. I cant stop!

Dont get me started or i wont stop. Yesterday, a stranger asked me some thought-provoking questions or his action was at least thought provoking. After a good night’s sleep, i came up with a list of questions if ever that happens again or if he was serious. I should tell my mum but…

I wish i lived in another society, where more people like me existed and more people im looking for existed. I wish for too many things which i know won’t come true. I know we all do…

I used to wonder if i was any different from anyone; guess i am. I know how and it is enough.

Trust you gut, or you’ll be hurt deeper

14 Mar

Never have i felt this way before.

Though weird at first, it felt like the old times for a while. Our roles were the same; it was like i was watching the story unfold in front of me. Nothing was hidden, her dark side became apparent to me. Things i didnt know when we were close, were revealed in the short time i spent in her company.  

Confused. I think alot. Or should i say thought? One can always weigh how someone feels about him/her from their actions and words. As simple as it may sound, it is not as simple to decipher the emotions behind the actions.

Vibes, is what it is called, and i got a mixed clue but can one ever be sure? Guess not. Her treatment was most hospitable but hyper-sensitive me sensed the odd-vibes.

Thinking positive, very far from my personality but i picked it by pushing away my negative thoughts. People say trust your gut! I should have, instead of …

Both ways, it still hurts.

My guess was right, I knew i could trust my guts because i’ve been right so far especially when i was all alone.

I asked myself why…i still dont know but i feel so far away that i cant bear to ask her the reason for her actions. I wanted to ask her why didnt you at least tell me you were unhappy with me?

You know what is funny? One of her tales included someone whom she did the same thing to. When she was speaking, i was not judging because she is my friend. Friends dont judge right?

AND all along, i had the feeling that she was unhappy but was in denial.

If only i knew…truth might hurt as well.

new home?

10 Mar

The grass is always greener on the other side. WHY?

I couldnt even cope when we moved house within the country; had some terrible attitude which made me uninterested in studying. When i hear of people coming from India, Nepal, Indonesia, China to gain knowledge in Singapore, i realised how fortunate i was.

Imagine having to cope with a new school, new environment, making new friends who are so different from you, AND the big P for puberty.

Was wondering out loud…

‘this country’

9 Mar

Were those mere coincidences with this certain country?

I love reading blogs as some of you might know, well amongst those which i follow, there are some favourites and it includes this blog X from this country.

I’ve been communicating with this ‘friend’ for over 3 to 4 years at an ad-hoc basis and he called me recently which caused my euphoria. He is from this country.

Like the next day, a long time friend, (around 6 years) was telling me about someone and her life; how … and this someone is from this country.

Recently, this country has attracted my interest. Coincidences i hope would mean something more than just coincidences.

p.s. thoughts circulating my busy head has been troubling me ever so often that I feel depressed. I should never let it get to me but it always manage to break through my ‘strong’ defenses.

AND the colour of my blog also explains how i feel.