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I don’t want to leave you!

11 Nov

Dear son,

It’s a feeling like no other, to leave you and go to work after being with you for 14 months – 9 months in my womb and 5 months outside. I hate having to leave you.

I think I have a choice but I’m ashamed to say I chose work. I’m ashamed even though its not easy to manage on a single income in Singapore and its not like we live a luxurious life. I’m just giving excuses. Well if there is no one to look after you, I would definitely quit to be with you. Now you have a loving grandmother to take care of you while ummi help other people at work. These people need help and so does my workplace. Oh no I still feel like in making excuses. 😥

I love love love being with you and time just flies when we are together! I don’t know where the 5 months went.

No matter how much I kissed you this morning from 5.15 till 7.40am, it didn’t seem enough. I wanted to smell you as much as I can so that I can bring you with me.

I yearn to be with you baby, my dearest son…

I miss you so much and it’s just the beginning of the day 😦

With love & hugs & kisses,
Your ummi


I’ve been guilty of nursing DS to sleep or if he is crying uncontrollably :(

23 Oct

Then I read this:

Nursing is not only nourishing; it’s also nurturing. Your breast is a wonderful place of comfort and security to your child, not just a feeding “trough”. The time spent nursing your baby is a very short period in the total life of your child, but the memories of your love and availability will last him a lifetime. Trust that your baby will fall asleep on his own in time, and enjoy every sleepy moment while it lasts.

Taken from here! Go read the rest of the article if you’re interested.

So I’m not going to stress myself over this and think about the zillion other things on my plate.

As a mother, we make many decision for/ about our kids and we try to make decisions which are in their best interest BUT…

There’s lots to consider and sometimes we have to make the decision on the spot.

Any option would have its pros and cons. We’ll just have to deal with the cons later on. Breastfeeding is wonderful as a whole but there are times we have to do what’s convenient for us to give them the best.

Nursing a baby to sleep helps the baby sleep but it also means baby needs mummy to sleep.

Nursing a baby in the long run means baby sleeps with parents for easier feeding.

If mummy were to be rigid with where, how, when, how much she feeds baby…I’m not sure how long she’d be able to feed baby. This is my opinion; find ways to make it convenient and easy for you.

As always there will be tongue wagging. People talk. About anything. And everything.


Rantings of a breastfeeding mother

20 Oct

When I made the decision to exclusively breastfeed, I thought I would have the support of everyone around me since i thought it was a privilege for a child to be exclusively breastfed.

How wrong I was to think that way! Alhamdulilah Allah has made it possible for me to carry on this far.

Today it just crumbled down on me, whatever that was hanging in the clouds. Somehow I feel my mother, who is going to be the main caregiver for DS when I get back to work, is not very supportive of exclusive breastfeeding. She didn’t say it out loud but I can sense it.

🐾How to have another child if you want to continue to breastfeed?

🐾Breast milk alone not enough. The baby will remain hungry.

🐾4 months can give cereal already so baby will sleep longer.

🐾How long are you going to breastfeed him?

🐾I heard someone breastfeed the child for so long, now he don’t want to drink from bottle.

As time went by, I realized that there were challenges ahead and i was willing to face them alone if i must but I always felt DH was a strong supporter of the path we chose; to exclusively breast feed our child.

Well it was mostly easy for him; he’s hungry, it’s feeding time, ummi is here to feed you, ummi will be here soon…his common dialogues. He was more supportive in the beginning; keeping vigil with us while DS nursed.

Maybe it became easier over time but I still wake up for diaper changes and night feedings. The job of a mother is 24 hours; it doesn’t matter if you are sick or well, tired or well-rested, you need a break to eat and shower and pray and…have some alone time (this is a dream). If DS needs a feed, diaper change or is just restless and sleepy you get moving!

I have some frozen breast milk but whenever I leave DS for a few hours with someone else, it’s always,”you will feed him before you leave right?” And it always feels like I’m troubling others when they have to take care of him. Of late, he chose not to nurse when I was out for 4 hours when usually he nurses very often.

Now he rejects the bottle! Is it my fault? Of course it is and tongues start wagging again. I made sure to introduce the bottle when DS was 6 weeks. There wasn’t a consistent effort though. I don’t leave DS with mother very often because honestly I rather bring him with me instead of troubling her. She has been rather busy these past few months.

I’m starting to panic because I’m returning to work in like 3 weeks. I haven’t pump enough milk. The frozen milk turned bad before 3 months. I have just started a new way of storing milk because we don’t have enough freezer space. I have to plan for pumping sessions at work. I have a trip to plan and prepare for and TONS of other things to do. There is very little I can do in the day because DS doesn’t have long day naps. I’m not complaining but I hope to have some understanding and support from those close and dear to me.

Despite all these, I enjoy breastfeeding my little sunshine! InsyAllah I can continue this sunnah. Ameen.


1 Oct

I reopened his play pen and fixed all the treehouse animals and even added his caterpillar for variety and left him for less than 5 minutes. I went to the room to speak to DH only to return to an overturned baby! I was like a crazy mother,”look at him he has turned over!!!” I wanted to see him in the act but haven’t been able to do so yet. I saw him trying but didn’t manage to do it. Then I realize it must take a lot for the little fellow to turn on his own! Alhamdulilah…

@ 3 months 16 days/ 16 weeks 4 days

Of bringing DS into this world

22 Jun

So much went by from the time I admitted myself into the hospital until the time I reach home and even after that.

I shall a summarize it with these phrases;

Under the surgeon’s knife I went, to get you out of me safe and sound.

I felt numb until I heard your first cries when nothing but pure joy filled my soul as tears streamed down my tear-stained cheeks.

I yearned for a look of your angelic face, one I’ve been waiting to see for 10 months long.

They made me wait even longer before I set eyes on you for the very first time and kissed you lightly on your soft cheeks.

When your father whispered prayers in your ear, you were quietly listening.

The explainable joy of having my first skin-to-skin contact with you lying peacefully on my chest was one never i forget. Love overwhelmed my heart and overcame all else.

You skillfully latched onto me after several failed attempts. Good job my lil man. Never lose the fighting spirit to persevere despite hardships.

Pain was there with me every step of the way and it only got worse before it became better. For that I thank Allah, our creator and the creator or all creations.

Fatigue and sleeplessness drained me dry lest i forget the joys of motherhood.

Your occasional smiles melt my heart for you smile while asleep.

Watching your peaceful and satiated face after a feed brings just joy and satisfaction to my heart, that I was able to do that for you. Alhamdulilah.

Visitors come and just stare as you sleep or watch them with your large wondering eyes.

Today at 8 days old, you made me tear with joy at just watching you sleep so peacefully, slightly twisted to your right and your little hands cupped below your chin, tiny legs crossed over the other. I believe you were in this position my womb…thus the comfort of sleeping on your side now. Alhamdulilah. Your tiny movements and stretches while you stir in your sleep is so intriguing to watch. Masyallah the creation of Allah is so amazing.

A beautiful rose

21 Dec

When I was reading this, I felt the analogy is so apt. I was picturing what someone on Ted shared about his life photography. Truly amazing masyallah!. I am not sure if I’d shared it here before but I will share again.




Just the book I was looking for

9 Sep

I’ve updated this in my library but this book deserves the ‘main page’ 🙂
After reading similar romance, mystery and thriller novels, I craved for something different. When I saw the old book stand at central forum in school I browsed for a long time while sipping chilled Milo taken from the Milo truck.

Definitely a must read a princess’s account of her childrens’ lives in the royal family and how the paternalistic nature of the Arab nations affect the lives of many. This is followed by the best seller Princess which I contemplated buying but didn’t buy.

I felt inclined (at many points in the book)to study the social problems there and be a social worker there. It’s about bringing about change. I do wonder if the culture is entrenched deep in the women there that they won’t want to change.

There were many islamic aspects in the book which non-Muslims can benefit gain knowledge of. As for me, some parts were more culture than religion. Them being of royal ancestry were lavish and I’m still not sure of their stand on drinking alcohol, whether it’s allowed in their understanding (or misunderstanding) of the Quran. Men were portrayed as taking parts of the Quran and having interpretations of it that allows them the flexibility to satisfy their greedy needs and especially carnal desires.

I’m looking forward to Desperate in Dubai! It’s out on the UAE so I hope my brother can get it. Just like Daughters of Arabia, it’s written based on true stories and really gives a varied impression of the middle east. It’s also more recent than this book I’ve read which was published in 1992.

I found it very difficult to believe some parts of the book because of the beast-like nature of men portrayed in the book. Sad but true?

Maybe it’s this very nature of wanting to do something – to advocate for change that appeals me most about being a social worker.


Of school and Singaporean

13 Jul





Some photos of school while it’s really peaceful and nice. I actually could hear the sounds of being in the nature, it was that quiet and peaceful. And look at the arts canteen, the deck, where I hardly eat, for the lack of company most times. I really should start eating alone, and not feel like I’m odd because I do that. It’s going to be my last chance to start doing that.

Lastly of the fauna in school, Nus is really very green. Near the UCC, there are so many different types of flowers and they’re so lovely. I will attempt to take photo of them one day.


The other matter is my attitude towards danger. While waiting for the bus, I was busy looking at google map and iris to find the fastest route. I did notice a distinct smell, of something burning and I just brushed the smell away like it’s not my problem. As I looked around, I realist it was the coming from the dustbin and again brushed it off by telling myself that it’s some irresponsible person who threw the prayer paper which usually fly around during the Chinese seventh month. Usually they do that at designated areas and not in the dustbin. A caucasian man walked towards it and looked at me, ” fire in there ?” I looked at him with my preoccupied face and walked over to peep into the bin. I didn’t see any fire but the smoke was still coming out. I walked away an watched from afar, he dug into the bin and pulled out an unfinished plastic cup of ice Milo from macdonalds and poured into the bin.

What did everyone at the bus stop do? Nothing. What did I do? Nothing either. Terrible right? I was just thinking about my bus and the thought of putting my hand into the dustbin disgusts me.

Amazing time :)

10 Jul



Nice surprise to have Eli back again! Miss her animated stories. With Len cooking for us and eli doing the entertaining, dil being het usual self…sadly meg can’t be there with us, poor girl was sick.

Reminiscing old times in secondary school, talking about life and how people drift apart and why it happens, the stupid things we do and yada yada yada.

After dinner and dessert at Seoul garden, we headed to Esplanade and sat side by side talking about why and what happened with our dear friend.

It’s really amazing how we’ve changed so much yet we can mingle like we haven’t missed any time away from each other.

And yes, I believe there is something dil is not saying, whether it’s true or not I do not know. But i’ve accepted that this is how she wants it to be with us because honestly, she didn’t want to say anything. Everyone is busy but we can make time for what we want. I believe our friendship is not what you want to invest your precious time on. I’m sorry if i’ve hurt you unnknowingly.

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbeds

2 Jun
Retrieved from here by Bronnie Ware (who worked for years nursing the dying)
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it. 

I aim to fulfill my dreams and travel to all parts of the world!  To be an ****’s wife (he knows what i want) 😉 Haha. Actually there are other ways to travel excessively which can be achieved so maybe i can explore that when some things are settled here. Even if that doesnt happen, im still glad and thankful to Allah for allowing me to reach so many places on the vast land that He created.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

Yea, even now i wish i dont have to work so hard. I want to be like an Egyptian, they work from 9 to 3pm and have the rest of the day off to enjoy, spend time with friends, chill out, maintain religious obligations, and many other things i can find to do if i have the time and company. 

It still appears ironical to me, people are earning money for their old age, in their younger days but when they grow old, they have to continue  working because costs are increasing and they still cant afford to not work. Why cant we do something about it? This has been bothering me for some time and every single time i venture to look for alternative solutions, i’m back to a blank page where i begun.

Is it being short-sighted? Looking and chasing only the things that matter in this life.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly,in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

Action speaks louder than words. I feel this is not a simple thing to do and i struggle with it everyday. There was a hadith or something of that sort which advised people not to hurt other’s feelings because even that is sinful. Unless it is against human rights and something in my power to do, i believe then its possible to walk the talk.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. 
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks,love and relationships. 

On a friend’s facebook wall:

P:  the gift of friends is the best thing in life

Me: hmm…the word sounds so strange all of a sudden 

P: Strange? Why babe?

Me: I dont hope your friends to disappear with time, like mine did. They were wonderful when they lasted 🙂 and dont get me wrong, it could have been me, them or just life. 

Was it being married which pushed my friends away from me? 

Was it me being busy which pushed my friends away from me? Or its just me, i changed?

Was it them being busy with work and school and other new friends which pushed my friends away from me? 

=> Conclusion: I dont think it is me because i’ve initiated outings with them a number of times but they havent, even though they have rejected my offer. I cant blame them, they are too busy with their lives. I cant force people to be friends with me, now can i?

Friends are important to me. I take comfort in the birthday meets with MAPLE (a group of friends since secondary school days), because it lasted time and tide and the many differences we have in life today. My friendship with A, my best friend, suffered a terrible fate. (this is me practicing no 3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.)

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again. 
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again,long before you are dying. 

With regards to having a better quality of life, i will try not to harp on friendships which has soured over time.

It was not easy to come to terms with the harsh truth but i have painfully gotten over it. I believe my social work training has led me to believe talking about things will help ease the pain. I reasoned, i complained, i talked alot about the past and poured my heart out to Mr Q. The proof of being over it, is my ability to post about this issue. What i learnt from this is to be happy again, one need to let it out and talk about it, detach it from oneself and be free.

I focus on the good things, new familial (and relatives) relationships and strengthening my immiediate familial bonds and that makes me happy. Alhamdulilah.