There was a moment we just connected

14 Jan

It was a beautiful moment I didn’t want to end. There was some Islamic zikir (rememberance of Allah) going on in the background leading to my inner peace. I gazed at my beautiful son and he flashed his toothless grin which can melt any hearts, masyallah. I hugged him tight and he bounced around in my arms excitedly. Tears streamed from my eyes. I don’t know what it was…or maybe I do…I pacified myself and my son, wiped my tears and went back to getting ready for work.

I like ummi milk very much

13 Jan

Said my elder boy last night.

I usually give him his usual formula milk before bedtime. This time, I had a little of my milk from the second boy which he didn’t finish and can’t keep any more so I added it to his formula milk.

At the first sip, he said he stopped drinking and smiled. I asked him why and he said ummi’s milk. I said yes I added a little, drink lah I urged him and promised a story to distract him from the different taste of his milk. He took the bottle and drank it up in no time.

I noticed that he does try to please his ummi sometimes and it warms my heart but at the same time, I don’t want him doing things to please people. I’ll think about that at another time.

When he was trying to fall asleep in bed, he mumbled in his muffled sleepy voice, ‘i like ummi’s milk very much’

Now I know why the first born inevitably gets more

15 Dec

After having the second child, it’s like you’ve got even lesser time on your hands. Previously, when the baby is having a nap, we take a breather. Now when baby is having a nap, we spend time with the other one.

There was so much to blog about, my dear son’s no. 2 (ds2) milestones and development, beautiful moments with my ds1 and everything in between. We recently made a trip to the neighbouring country which was an adventure to say the least. And I thought travelling by an express bus to Kuala Lumpur would be a breeze with 2 young children, boy was I kidding myself since I wanted to travel so badly.

Now it’s back to work and my ds1 will say this when I bid him my farewell before leaving for work, ” ummi, why do you have to work? Ummi don’t go to work” a question I ask myself everytime but can go away with not answering it. This time, I could feel how inadequate and unconvincing my reasons were.

I also return home during lunch because ds2 doesn’t drink from the bottle yet, which I hope he does soon. It’s heart wrenching to see my ds1 looking at me with a sad look about him, the way he will try to get my attention the whole time I was at home trying to feed his little brother, he’ll turn solemn and quiet when I say I’m leaving back to work. The baby clearly shares his discontentment by staring at me hard as I nurse him.

The sg50 gifts

10 Sep

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Gifts from the posb bag and Kkh bag.

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Gifts from sg50 bag.

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Gifts from ward 84 for exclusively breastfeeding during my stay at Kkh.

Alhamdulilah:)

Our date with the second-born

10 Sep

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We went nearby to the newly halal establishment, Fix Grill @ hometeam NS. The food wasn’t that great, I feel thirsty now while blogging. The place was too cold. I like the set up but not very comfortable either.

And our conversation on a couple date was on children’s care taking issues. 5 years after marriage and 2 kids later that’s what it looks like. Not complaining, just saying. I wonder what our conversation would be like when we are old…Insyallah till Jannah. Ameen.

My first born

30 Aug

I brought him for his gym class today because his father had a family event to attend.

I realised just how tiring it was for me perhaps because I just gave birth to a child 3 weeks back or maybe I’m just not very fit. I had fun though but yea to others it might appear like I cannot handle my own child because he was trying to cut the queue, he kept running away from me, he found a ball and a girl took it when he was playing throw it around and they ended up in a tug of ball and I asked him to give it.

What was amazing was he didn’t pinch anyone or push or snatch. I did give him a brief reminder before class to share and play with all his friends. The kids in his class are around his age so there is a lesser tendency for pinching or pushing unlike open gym when the younger babies are usually the targets. Just like poor little syukri at home.

Of late though he expresses more than aggression towards syukri, he attempts to hug and kiss the hand. Even in his attempts he tends to be a little rough.

As I watched him during the separation time where parents just sit and watch as kids play toys together with teachers, I realised he is just so special and I should love all of him including his aggressive side.

He follows instructions well and he didn’t snatch any toys and didn’t push his way to get space on the floor with the toys. After separation time, he went to sit next to the teacher on his own, didn’t look for me first. I realised how young he was and how he needed us.

I made sure to praise him for behaving well in gym class and being the wonderful little boy he is.

When I brought him out a few days back, he didn’t ask me to carry him either. It’s like he know ummi can’t carry him too much. He is just so considerate. He would climb the bus and enter mrt trains on his own, being careful with the steps and the gaps.

It struck me a few days back that my little boy has grown so fast. He can even problem solve! He enjoys listening to me share stories of my travels and sometimes I would tell him about things around us at lengths and he would listen quietly. He is also doing much more at the gym! Alhamdulilah:)

He is able to cycle his tricycle and skate on the skate scooter now.

I love you to the moon and back and much much more!

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Hello grey-eyed boy :)

26 Aug

It has been 2 weeks and my post on howyou came into this world is still pending.

It’s been marvelous getting to know you so far, you’ve been great at drinking and sleeping. Alhamdulilah you’ve been great other than that as well.

Your elder brother adores you; always insisting to sleep next to you and talking to you while you slept. He is a little rough so we are trying to minimize his close proximity to you but to no avail.

Ummi is also trying to manage taking care of the 2 of you and that has been challenging as your elder brother is pretty young and needs a lot of attention too. Insyallah Ummi is as fair as possible to the 2 of my darlings.

It feels different from when I just gave birth to your brother. It could be because you came out naturally. It could be I’m a second time mother so breastfeeding, diaper changing and sleepless nights are not so new to me. It could be I’m not free to time your naptimes as every opportunity I have is time to be spent with your brother who I hope has not been feeling neglected. I just go with the flow and take it in my stride. It might mean a more relaxed mother who is emotionally available, Insyallah.  I’m still working on it.

Today Ummi and your brother had some one on one time to run some errands at bugis. It was pretty tiring for ummi but it was nice.

@ 2 weeks 4 days old

The sg50 gifts

13 Aug

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Gifts from the posb bag and Kkh bag.

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Gifts from sg50 bag.

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Gifts from ward 84 for exclusively breastfeeding during my stay at Kkh.

Alhamdulilah:)

We welcome another little one into our family

8 Aug

I can’t decide how to blog about the new little one so I might do a few different posts.

I find comfort in timeline especially when it all went by so fast it seems surreal.

We have had busy weekends entertaining guests and doing our hari raya visiting.

30 July
first time met Dr Paul Tseng as I heard he is very pro vbac and he can deliver breech babies, at 38 weeks.

He told me that due to my previous c section he wouldn’t be able to do a breech delivery as it’s too risky. He wouldn’t attempt an ecv either. He also said he would be overseas from 6-11August. I was still hopeful to be delivered by him.

He said to scan and have a look. He did a pretty detailed scan and confirmed baby’s head is up. He checked baby’s weight around 3kg. He checked that the cord wasn’t around the neck. He checked the thickness of my previous c section wound which was 4.65mm. It has to be more than 2 to go ahead with vbac.

He placed the scanner down, used his hands to move baby, I didn’t feel much discomfort. Within seconds he was done and he took the scanner and scanned baby’s head and announced what we were thinking in our heads but didn’t believe would be happening, baby’s head is down.

He said you can go back to your doctor now and see what she says.

Alhamdulilah. It was miraculous! I didn’t want to be too excited as baby can still turn back up as baby wasn’t engaged yet. He told me to stay upright and sent me off with a card in case I go into labor before he goes on leave he agreed to deliver me. Alhamdulilah.

We spent the whole afternoon at the zoo with the kiddos. I think it was good I was on my feet the whole time. I also drove there and back.

1 August
we had a couple of open Houses
Sat on the gym ball and rocked back and forth at night. I felt baby’s head lower.

2 august
my brother eventually allowed us to have a look at his flat and we had a small gathering. It’s not entirely ready yet though. We continued visiting a little bit more till the little one slept.

3 august
my appointment with my gynae at Kkh. The last time I met her, she was asking me to schedule a c section as baby was in breech position and that was 3 weeks back at 36 weeks. This time baby was head down, she still insist on scheduling a date for c section after I’m supposed to be due, I chose 14 August because my first born was born on 14 June.

5 august
Brought the little boy for open gym class

6 august
My second appointment at TMC and the little boy’s last vaccination at the polyclinic. I climbed the stairs all the way till 12th storey.

7 august
Brought the little one to the playground, I tried climbing 2 steps at a time from the 6th storey this time to widen pelvis area.

8 august
My contractions started in the morning around 7am. I was still able to sleep in, woke up around 10am and had breakfast. I cooked for the boy while I was having pain. I would run to the yoga ball when I feel the waves rushing in. I had my lunch around 4plus in the afternoon.

Other ways I managed the waves was through cat pose if I don’t have enough time to reach the ball. The most painful was while lying down on the bed as there was no pressure on the area where there is pain. That’s also when the pain will intensify and the contractions were closer. Around 5pm when we were trying to get the boy down for his nap, I tried to rest and that’s when the waves were closer and the husband asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. We started to pack the bag and then it slowed down.

It was like a mad house because the little boy would cry everytime I cried out in pain and say no ummi no pain. He didn’t want to nap or eat. I tried to sit with him and the husband for his lunch and dinner whenever I could. My parents were out while my other brother’s family was overseas. I called my parents back to help out with the little boy so the husband can help me manage pain during labour.

We applied clary sage essential oil from young living to help labour along. We did it twice only.

The husband helped me manage pain for around 2-3 waves and then I had my second warm bath around 10pm. I had back to back contractions. I hung from the washing machine and tap in the toilet. He was timing my contractions and we decided it was time after I tooky bath. My mom bought chicken rice for dinner but I couldn’t eat as it was too intense. She also gave me egg with Milo for energy.

We were supposed to take a cab but as I was wearing my socks before leaving the house, I had the first urge to push, the bearing down feeling. I got scared because I didn’t want to give birth at home. There was alot of uncertainty, was I ready to birth my baby, can I do it, have I opened enough, did I wait too long to go to the hospital, what is the doctor going to do in the hospital?

I asked my mother if someone can send us. My father rushed out and got the car, drove us over. I had a few more urges to push in the car and walking up to labour and delivery.

While waiting for registration, the nurse noticed that I was already in labour so they wanted to check me before calling my doctor. She did a vaginal examination but I screamed in pain because it was so painful. I asked her if she should do that and she insist she must but I said it’s very uncomfortable. She was very rough. She rushed me to a ward. The TV was switched on, the room was very cold, I asked that the TV was switched off and the temperature adjusted. When the other nurses asked how dilated I was, she said she couldnt ask but she feels it’s more than 7cm and my membrane is bulging. I was asked to pee but I didn’t want, I also asked to be allowed to go to the toilet but the midwife said I would just give birth there so they can’t allow me out. I was also fixed to the fetal heart monitor and the other machine to measure contractions. Other nurses tried to check but I told them I’d rather they didn’t because I lose my urge to push. I wanted to ensure that I relax as much as possible so baby can descend and baby would not be in distress causing any unnecessary complications, any reason for doctor to insist for a c section. My doctor came and she checked with no discomfort at all. She also insist on breaking my water bag but it wasn’t painful. I asked if she must and she said it would help me along. She and a nurse guided me to push during contractions. I did from 10:55pm. The doctor wanted to do an episiotomy but the husband stopped her. She didn’t ask me, just conveniently wanted to do it while I was pushing. I said let me try on my own first. After some time I was getting really exhausted, the husband was playing the Quran in the background. I read ayatul kursi. I begged Allah to help me along as I was pushing with all my might and I was supposed to push harder and didn’t know where to get the strength from. The next push he came out at 11.40pm. The doctor reminded me that I cannot stop pushing as his head was already on the way out and I had to push on and I did and heard his cries. His body came out so fast. Looked down and saw my baby covered on blood. The husband cut the cord and the nurse handed him to me. I can’t remember what I did but I remember saying masyallah like a million times while the husband went alhamdulilah w million times. They took him, cleaner him right there, wrapped him up and passed him to me again. After that, was the most unpleasant, sewing up the perineum. I took the laughing gas towards the end as it got really uncomfortable. I looked at my child in the bassinet nearby to distract myself.

Once that was over, the nurse cleaned me up and passed me my child at around 12:05am. He got down to business real quick. He was very alert and wanted to suckle as soon as he could. He even carried his head to face down while he was placed with his cheek on my chest.

After an hour of skin to skin, we waited for an available ward. We arrived at our ward at 3.30am. Baby arrived at 4.30am.

I wished I prepared my birth plan but alhamdulilah it was a beautiful birth, all planned by Allah.

Our first visit to the Central Fire station

6 Apr

The freedom to explore the fire trucks and ambulances were great but I felt that it could have been more exciting with fire and stuff. The demonstration was just with water.

There were a few emergencies so the red rhino, the paramedic on bike and the ambulance left the fire station.  I wondered if they were real or just for demo.

The gallery was quite nice and a little interactive.

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