There was a moment we just connected

It was a beautiful moment I didn’t want to end. There was some Islamic zikir (rememberance of Allah) going on in the background leading to my inner peace. I gazed at my beautiful son and he flashed his toothless grin which can melt any hearts, masyallah. I hugged him tight and he bounced around in my arms excitedly. Tears streamed from my eyes. I don’t know what it was…or maybe I do…I pacified myself and my son, wiped my tears and went back to getting ready for work.

Conversation this morning with my 17 month old

DS: go down
Ummi: careful (as he maneuver his way down the bed, climbing over me)
DS: open the door
Ummi: where do you want to go?
DS: shop
Ummi: what do you need to buy at the shop?
DS: egg
Ummi: what are you going to do with the egg?
DS: cook
Ummi: who are you planning on cooking for?
DS: (his name)

———
After looking at some word and picture cards, he wanted more of a particular type of cards and insisted he see it. I said no as I was about to leave for work, he insisted.

He likes to say push ummi just for fun at times and he did that.
ummi: sayang ummi
DS: push ummi, carry you.
Ummi: ummi go to work, you push ummi

DS kept silent as ummi walked away. Sat on the swing and looked down at his lap. I checked on him a few times. He didn’t try to free himself from the buckles of the swing. He looked so sad it made me sad.

Ummi came before leaving from work and asked for a kiss, he said push ummi and kissed ummi. I carried him around before leaving for work.

I wonder if he knew I wanted to leave for work and instead of telling me not to go, he using reverse psychology on me? If I tell ummi to stay, she would go. Of I told ummi to go, she would stay.

I miss him! Together, we miss ayah 😦

A funeral

It’s the first funeral for my baby but I’m sure he knows nothing of what’s going on but when he’s older I’ll sure remind him that he met a grand uncle who passed away of cancer. He is the first in my family to suffer and die of cancer – rectum cancer. He was a man of strong character and lots of determination to move on, to recover, to live a life. He loved life. He had plans. He was in denial. He was not prepared. He had to go. His time was up. He has been called. His life was taken.

We were sleeping when we heard an urgent knock. My brother was at the door, “mama Nasser passed away.”

“Inna lillah wa inna ilahi raajiun,” I exclaimed with a hand tapping my chest lightly still in a state of shock.

My mind went straight to my mother, ” will she be devastated?” I wondered. I tried to put myself in her shoes ad I thought definitely. How about my aunt, she would be a widow now, a title laden with stigma and negativity, in my mind. Is she prepared? She has her sons and mother-in-law. BUT…it’s a huge loss nonetheless. How would it feel for the mother who gave birth to him, to see him leave before her? Is it worse for a mother whose child leaves her less than 2 weeks after she gave birth to him? Is it worse for a mother to have miscarried the child? I don’t know but what I know is that the pain is like no other. Allah remind us to be grateful when we are faced with difficulties in accepting losses so he will give us more, insyAllah .

I was thinking of the living. What about the dead?

My eyes wandered to a poster on my wall,

Indeed everything is for Allah but we often forget and live life full of many things but the remembrance of Allah.

May Allah grant my uncle peace and bless him, insyAllah. Ameen.

I don’t want to leave you!

Dear son,

It’s a feeling like no other, to leave you and go to work after being with you for 14 months – 9 months in my womb and 5 months outside. I hate having to leave you.

I think I have a choice but I’m ashamed to say I chose work. I’m ashamed even though its not easy to manage on a single income in Singapore and its not like we live a luxurious life. I’m just giving excuses. Well if there is no one to look after you, I would definitely quit to be with you. Now you have a loving grandmother to take care of you while ummi help other people at work. These people need help and so does my workplace. Oh no I still feel like in making excuses. 😥

I love love love being with you and time just flies when we are together! I don’t know where the 5 months went.

No matter how much I kissed you this morning from 5.15 till 7.40am, it didn’t seem enough. I wanted to smell you as much as I can so that I can bring you with me.

I yearn to be with you baby, my dearest son…

I miss you so much and it’s just the beginning of the day 😦

With love & hugs & kisses,
Your ummi

Ouch!

It’s not pain for a split second but prolonged pain.

My left bottom wisdom tooth was starting to give me problems and the dentist did say he can feel it under my gums so to extract before it affects my other teeth.

Since I was still breastfeeding DS, I didn’t want to have to take medications unnecessarily but I guess it’s now or never so I went ahead with it.

ANOTHER surgery just 4 months after a major surgery. Somehow I remember the recovery from my cesarean to be quick and not too painful. Getting out of bed for the first time one day after surgery was excruciatingly painful I told myself I never want to give birth again! Oh that was then when everything hurt like crazy; eating, sitting, sleeping, breastfeeding, standing … I shall not go on because I think you got the idea. Ok I just reminded myself that the first few days was just as bad or maybe worse than now.

I can’t eat (weep) but I have to otherwise I’d be hungry. When I eat normally I get hungry so fast because baby is ‘ sharing’ my food. I used to eat so fast and rightfully so because baby needs lots of attention now that he’s a little mobile and has no inkling of dangers. It hurts to sleep on my side too. I could hardly open my mouth.

I think the dental clinic should give their patients a list of after surgery effects to expect like difficulty opening mouth, inability to chew and talk too much as well as swollen/ numb tongue etc like this website states clearly.

Oh well it’s starting to feel better on day 4, Alhamdulilah 🙂

For anyone interested, there is a photo of my super large wisdom tooth. It’s a little disgusting. Don’t look of you can’t see bloody stuff!

Rantings of a breastfeeding mother

When I made the decision to exclusively breastfeed, I thought I would have the support of everyone around me since i thought it was a privilege for a child to be exclusively breastfed.

How wrong I was to think that way! Alhamdulilah Allah has made it possible for me to carry on this far.

Today it just crumbled down on me, whatever that was hanging in the clouds. Somehow I feel my mother, who is going to be the main caregiver for DS when I get back to work, is not very supportive of exclusive breastfeeding. She didn’t say it out loud but I can sense it.

🐾How to have another child if you want to continue to breastfeed?

🐾Breast milk alone not enough. The baby will remain hungry.

🐾4 months can give cereal already so baby will sleep longer.

🐾How long are you going to breastfeed him?

🐾I heard someone breastfeed the child for so long, now he don’t want to drink from bottle.

As time went by, I realized that there were challenges ahead and i was willing to face them alone if i must but I always felt DH was a strong supporter of the path we chose; to exclusively breast feed our child.

Well it was mostly easy for him; he’s hungry, it’s feeding time, ummi is here to feed you, ummi will be here soon…his common dialogues. He was more supportive in the beginning; keeping vigil with us while DS nursed.

Maybe it became easier over time but I still wake up for diaper changes and night feedings. The job of a mother is 24 hours; it doesn’t matter if you are sick or well, tired or well-rested, you need a break to eat and shower and pray and…have some alone time (this is a dream). If DS needs a feed, diaper change or is just restless and sleepy you get moving!

I have some frozen breast milk but whenever I leave DS for a few hours with someone else, it’s always,”you will feed him before you leave right?” And it always feels like I’m troubling others when they have to take care of him. Of late, he chose not to nurse when I was out for 4 hours when usually he nurses very often.

Now he rejects the bottle! Is it my fault? Of course it is and tongues start wagging again. I made sure to introduce the bottle when DS was 6 weeks. There wasn’t a consistent effort though. I don’t leave DS with mother very often because honestly I rather bring him with me instead of troubling her. She has been rather busy these past few months.

I’m starting to panic because I’m returning to work in like 3 weeks. I haven’t pump enough milk. The frozen milk turned bad before 3 months. I have just started a new way of storing milk because we don’t have enough freezer space. I have to plan for pumping sessions at work. I have a trip to plan and prepare for and TONS of other things to do. There is very little I can do in the day because DS doesn’t have long day naps. I’m not complaining but I hope to have some understanding and support from those close and dear to me.

Despite all these, I enjoy breastfeeding my little sunshine! InsyAllah I can continue this sunnah. Ameen.

My baby is 4 months old!

Dearest son,

My boy, you’re growing well Alhamdulilah. Ummi enjoy watching you try to turn with all your might and then kick as you try to move yourself forward. It’s something we all take for granted but I know it’s not a simple task for a little baby.

You generous with you smile especially for me, your ummi whose heart skips a beat when I see my baby’s smile.

To be honest when I’m stressed while taking care of you, I wish for the time to go to work be sooner but now as the time is approaching, I’m feeling less confident that I can return to work, wouldn’t be able to leave you my darling boy. I have lots to prepare for before I go back and there’s the impending trip we are going for. Your very first trip InsyAllah.

Of late you’ve been placing your thumb and at times your hands into your mouth. You are doing it so much more now and you actually like the teething toy ummi allows you to try sucking on for a change.

More recently, you have been reaching or your toes. Oh you look so cute with your fingers holding your toes! I’ve captured some photos of you doing that.

We also took a family photo during Eid adha recently. Your very first family photo with ummi’s family. I guess we have to take one with ayah’s side of the family soon.

You’re still not sleeping through the night and now you pass motion at several times through the night. In the day you hardly pass motion, I hope you don’t have your days and nights mixed up!

As for your learning, you seem to like looking at Arabic 🙂 and you have a ready smile for dot cards as always.

You know my dear son, people say lots of things about ummi breastfeeding you and that I should start giving you solids and how long am I going to breastfeed you but I hold firm to what I have planned to provide for you, only the best (that i can manage) InsyAllah.

People look at me funny when i try to teach you. When i started reading while pregnant with you, people’s tongue couldn’t stop wagging; going on about letting you have your childhood and don’t make you ‘study’ from so young.

People are going to say so much more as time goes by but if we know what we are doing is in line with the sunnah and the religion and what belief is right, we should stick to our decision.

This past week, you didn’t want your Emma to carry you and when your moyang carried you a few times, you cried so loudly, I couldn’t take it but I waited till your moyang passed you back to me. You seem to like your Vaapa carry you. Your nyayi carried you recently, you cried after a while. Not sure if you have started to have preference. As long as I’m your no. 1 I’ll be happy 🙂 everyone else would get used to you and you’d get used to them in no time InsyAllah.

Ummi will create more collages for you when time permits 🙂

Until next time my darling baby!

With lots of wet kisses and tight hugs and never ending love,
Your ummi

2 months already?!

Dear son,

My love for you is only ever increasing as I get acquainted with you. You turn 2 month (8 weeks, 5 days) old today. Alhamdulilah, we have only Allah to thank for that.

It’s been a real eye opening (like literally) experience of a lifetime for me. Bringing an individual into this world is no joke! I realized that no matter how well read one is, the experiences of motherhood would still surprise you.

First ummi was worried about your jaundice level which kept increasing and being purely breastfed, it took extra long for it to dwindle down. While you had jaundice, ummi noticed yellow discharge from your eyes that caused your eyelashes to stick together and your eye to be red. It didn’t help matters when your grandma noticed your chest to be harder than normal. Ummi found out from our best friend Mr Google that its breast buds and that it would go away on its own. No one told me of this. Your curious ummi actually tried squeezing it and milk actually came out! Can you believe it? Apparently it’s normal in babies because a surge of hormones is passed on from mother to baby before they enter the world – this helps them to breathe on their own as soon as they are detached from their mothers.
Guess what else ummi had to worry about? Your circumcision and the recovery process – the ring dropped after 8 days. Now it’s a cough! Oh how it pains me to watch you pump your little body to bring out the cough and then struggle for air before you continue to cough! The worries of a mother will never end. This just means that your ummi care a lot about you my lovely boy!

Your ayah always say I care for you very well. I forgot to retort that he has been a wonderful father as well; changing diaper, helping ummi whenever and wherever possible. Alhamdulilah. He even wakes up at night to help ummi change your diaper sometimes. He prepares the water for your bath even! Speaking of baths, ummi has started bathing you twice in Syawal. Alhamdulilah Allah made the difficult easy for those who try and supplicate. It is a milestone for me!

Of milestones and such, I’m not sure how you measure up to others your age but I’m just concerned for you. You’ve been tracking well for around 2 weeks now. You’re responding more when ummi call out to you as well. While doing so, ummi noticed you smiled back at me since 2 days ago! You’ve also started at 6 weeks to look more attentively at the cards ummi has been showing you since you were 2 weeks old. What I really like is your cooing! Lastly your manja cry with your sad face; if only I can capture the moment. I can’t help to think how cute you look before I tend to your needs.

Recently it was Eid since we are in Syawal already. I think all the visiting tire you out. Relatives were however very excited to see you and carry you. Ummi was exhausted too as I had to carry you around in the sarong when you nurse and sleep. I’m getting the hang of nursing you discretely in public.

Shall we go for a holiday soon then?

Till the next month InsyAllah my love!

Lots of cuddles,
Your Ummi

P.s. it is also auntie Adilah’s birthday today. She is 25 years and 9 months older than you!

Poop accident! Not again!

I had a nice morning to myself when DS was asleep. He usually doesn’t sleep after 6am but this morning was a little different.

When he woke up, I was on great spirit because I was ready for him, to meet his every need 😉

We did some fun activities before preparing for his bath. Usually I undress him before my mum bathe him. As I was taking my time to clean his butt from some poop when without any indication, he pooped out everywhere on his changing mat, bed sheet, the floor, prayer may on the floor and on my clothes and hand!

I went crazy! Screamed for mum to come help me. While i was still freaking out about the poop, he peed upwards all over his body and face!

Mum came after a while and told me what to clean😔 She was rushing to bathe her elder grandson and bring him to school.

Lots of clean up! Life of a mother😊

***this is not the first time I got peed and pooped on! I learnt a few things to prevent this from happening like being watchful if tell take signs when he is about to pee or poop but sometimes there are other distractions and these things take split second to occur.

Attachment issues?

It feels odd, different. Something is a miss, something i held with me for 10 months and 40 days.

The 10 months was within me and 40 days was carrying him close to me in a sling.

I’m sure he misses his ummi as much as his ummi misses him or perhaps even more! I like it that he wants me no matter whether I’m smelly or dirty. I love that he needs me and can smell me from far! I love the fact that being near him gives him comfort.

I’m sure his Emma will take very good care of him. And she is more than willing to do so!

I wonder how it will be when I go back to work…

P.s it’s been 3 years since we embarked on a journey together and InsyAllah we will have many more years together till Jannah. Ameen.